


with shortness of breath (you explained the infinite)

by mohritz



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Minor Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-23 15:51:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4882795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mohritz/pseuds/mohritz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris has been gone for a month and everything seems cold to Josh; everything leaves him feeling numb and alone, even in the blistering August heat.  </p><p>His sisters check in on him every few days, as does Sam, as much as they can manage. Josh is usually in the same place – either in bed or on the sofa. Always with eyes closed, always in denial.  </p><p>What Josh doesn't tell his friends is that every time he shuts his eyes he sees Chris, and that’s what he needs. He needs Chris to be there next to him again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	with shortness of breath (you explained the infinite)

**Author's Note:**

> heyyy!! i wrote this pretty much all in the space of four hours and it's pretty angsty. however my friend tabby was like to me 'make it happy at the end' so thats what i did just for her. i hope it's accurate in character personality and stuff, its my first time writing until dawn fic :') anyway enjoy!!
> 
> (if you want lots of emotions then listen to 'saturn' by sleeping at last when you read it. it's what i wrote it whilst listening to and its what the title is from! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3lWwMHFhnA)

 

 

 

 

 

_** Summer ** _

Chris has been gone for a month and everything seems cold to Josh; everything leaves him feeling numb and alone, even in the blistering August heat. 

His sisters check in on him every few days, as does Sam, as much as they can manage. Josh is usually in the same place – either in bed or on the sofa. Always with eyes closed, always in denial. 

What Josh doesn't tell his friends is that every time he shuts his eyes he sees Chris, and that’s what he needs. He needs Chris to be there next to him again. 

 

_ "Josh!" Chris calls. "Can you help me with this?" _

_ "What?" Josh calls back, fighting with some fairy lights. "I'm kinda busy!" _

_ "I can't put the darn bunting up," Chris replies.  _

_ "You're taller than me. What makes you think I can do any better?" _

_ "Just come help me! Everyone will be here in a few minutes!" _

_ Josh rolls his eyes fondly before jogging to the living room. The Christmas tree is decorated in various, mis-matched decorations and there is soft, festive music playing from where Chris' iPhone is plugged into the speakers. Chris is by the window, standing on a chair, trying to hang some bunting off one of the window latches. _

_ "Can you just hold this bit for me? Then I can chuck this bit over that thing," Chris says. _

_ "Sure thing," Josh winks, slapping Chris' ass as he walks past him to grab the end of the bunting. Chris squeaks and glares at him.  _

_ Once the bunting is hung, Chris attempts to jump off the chair, but stumbles and almost falls. Josh reaches out to grab him, pulling him into his arms.  _

_ "Thank you," Chris groans. "Should have paid more attention in climbing class." _

_ "You mean gym?" Josh raises an eyebrow. _

_ "Yeah you know, with the climbing up the rope?" _

_ Josh smiles, before kissing Chris lightly. "Gym, yeah. Now go put on your Santa hat, bro, the others will be here in a sec." _

_ "Have you taken your medication?" _

_ "Yeah, Chris. Stop worrying." _

_ Chris squeezes Josh's hands in reassurement. "I just don't want you getting anxious, is all." _

_ "I know, but stop. I' m fine. Now go get ready." _

_ Chris nods and makes for the door. "Love you, Joshie." _

_ "Love you more." _

 

It is the middle of August, and Josh is in bed, trying to convince himself to at least read a page of the book he currently has open when the doorbell rings.

"It's open," he shouts. He can't muster the energy to get up.

"Josh, it's Sam and Hannah. Where are you?"

"In the bedroom."

"Of course you are," he hears a muttered reply. They enter the bedroom, Sam carrying a bag of groceries, Hannah another.

"We've brought food and some other stuff, as well as your new prescriptions. You're gonna have to go pick them up, though," Hannah tells him, sitting down on the bed.

Josh looks blankly at her. "You can't pick them up for me?"

"Nope. Joshie, you need to-"

"Don't call me that."

Hannah looks taken aback. "Okay."

"Chris used to call me that."

The two girls watch in silence as Josh blinks a couple of times, puts down his book, and rolls over, lying down. Hannah sighs, gesturing for Sam to follow her out the room. 

"I'm gonna have to call Beth. She might be the only one able to get him up and normal again," Hannah folds her arms across her chest.

"Han, you're his sister. Don't you see? He's never gonna feel normal again." Sam sighs, tucking a strand of Hannah's hair behind her ear. "You're an amazing sister, and  so's Beth, and you do all you can, but I just don't know what else we can do but this."

Hannah's eyes well up with tears, and she looks down. "I know, Sam. I know."

 

_** Autumn ** _

It's been several months since Chris has been gone, and Josh is slowly, slowly starting to leave his bedroom as the leaves on the trees turn golden and fall.  He'll only talk to a few of them – Mike, Sam and his sisters, but he'll talk. 

It's still hard to visit places they went, the coffee shop they frequented, the park they'd take walks in... but Josh is learning to deal with the pain. 

What he doesn't tell his friends is that he's stopped closing his eyes, but he still sees Chris in everything.

 

_ "Josh, stop yelling." _

_ "Don't you see, Chris? I'm not worth it. We're not worth it." _

_ "Would I be here if it wasn't worth it?" _

_ "You're just kidding yourself." _

_ "Oh my god, Josh!" Chris yells, running a hand through his hair. "You can't tell me what I feel, you don't have any right to do that." _

_ "But you don't want me, Chris! You know you don't!" Josh shouts back. _

_ "What makes you think that, Joshie?" Chris says, a defeated tone to his voice. "What makes you think that?" _

_ "Because I'm broken!" Josh yells. "Broken, broken, broken!" _

_ The look on Chris' face almost brings Josh to tears. _

_ "Josh, no. No, no, no." Chris steps forward, reaching out, and Josh shrinks back. _

_  "I am, and you know it. Don't kid yourself any longer!"  _

_ Chris doesn't reply, doesn't say anything, just reaches out and gathers Josh into his arms as he starts to sob properly. _

_ "I'm broken," he cries. "Broken, broken, broken..." _

_ "No, Joshie, no, you're not, you're not." _

_ From just next to the doorway, Mike watches, having heard the shouting from the living room where he was sitting with the rest of the group. He turns and walks back,  trying to stop the shaking in his hands. _

_ "What was going on, Mike?" Ashley asks. _

_ "Chris has it under control." Mike says back shortly, sitting down next to Jess. "Chris has it under control." _

 

"Josh, come sit with us all. We're gonna watch a terrible film and eat popcorn," Mike says, sitting down next to the other boy on one of the walls outside the house.

"I'm okay, Mike." Josh says, raising a bottle of beer to his lips. "But thank you."

They sit in silence for a few minutes, looking at the stars in the sky, before Mike speaks.

"You know, this one time I heard shouting from the kitchen when we were all over for our monthly sleepover session thing that Ashley makes us do, and I got up to check everything was okay. You hadn't been taking your meds, and Chris had just found out, I think. Anyway, you were upset, because you hadn't been taking your meds because you thought it made you a freak - which it didn't, by the way - and not taking them made you worse. At least, that’s what Beth told me. And I came into the kitchen, and I stopped short at the doorway, because there you were, crying into Chris' arms when moments ago I'd heard yelling. For months after that every time I saw you both, happy, I was overcome by this awe and this admiration for you both. You'd been through so much and were still strong. He really loved you, you know. He still does."   


Josh just looks at Mike. "I know. And that’s what hurts the most."

Mike takes a sip of his drink. "We're here for you, dude. I  hope you know that. When you decide to come back to us, fully, we'll be here."

Josh says nothing. Mike pats his shoulder, albeit slightly awkwardly, and then jumps off the wall to go back inside. 

Once Josh hears the footsteps fade away, he allows himself to break down into tears.

_** Winter ** _

It's been almost half a year since Chris has been gone, and Josh feels himself returning almost to normal as it begins to snow and he's forced to wear his winter coat outside.

He finds himself going to class again, his interest in film and photography picking back up. He finds himself laughing at Emily's sarcastic jokes, going to watch football with Mike, having long conversations with Ashley, and he hates it.

He hates that he's starting to think about Chris less, that he can go whole hours without a thought of him. He doesn't want that to happen. 

What he doesn't tell his friends is that he stops taking his meds, he lies to Hannah about it. He starts to think about Chris more again. That’s what he wants. 

 

_ "I feel like one day, perhaps soon, we should get married." Josh says, from where he's lying next to Chris in bed one early Sunday morning.  _

_ "Are you proposing to me, Josh?" Chris sits up, eyebrows raised. _

_ Josh can feel his heart beating, probably far too fast for it to be even remotely healthy. Chris does that to him. _

_ "Maybe. If you were to say yes, then it would be." _

_ "Good thing I'm saying yes then." _

_ Josh feels his eyes widen and he  sits up to join Chris. "Really?" _

_ "Uh, yeah? I  love you? Of course I wanna marry you, bro." _

_ Josh laughs. "We're gonna have such an awesome wedding, bro." _

_ "Oh yeah?" Chris grins. "It'll be even awesomer if you take me to the brone zone afterwards." _

_ Josh snorts. "I can't believe you remember that." _

_ "Of course I do. I  distinctly remember you telling me to go to the bone zone with Ashley, mainly because you thought I had a crush on her, and then later that evening when I kissed you, you said 'well, I guess now we can go to the brone zone'."  _

_ "Wanna go to the brone zone now?" Josh smirks. _

_ "I always want to go to the brone zone." _

_ "Oh yeah? Well then, lead the way Cochise." _

 

"Are you joking?" Beth shouts.

"No?" Josh says. "I feel fine. I don't need my meds anymore."

"You don't need them anymore when your prescriptions are fucking done!" Beth shouts back. "You can't just decide when to stop taking them."

"Beth, stop yelling." Ashley says softly. "You're not helping."

"Shut the fuck up, Ash!" Beth says sharply. Ashley's eyes widen and she takes a step back from where she's standing next to Mike.

"Hey, stop." Jess orders. "Beth, Ash is just trying to help, and you yelling at Josh is not doing much good anyway."

"Why are you all here in the first place?" Josh mumbles. 

"Because Sam found you passed out in the living room, and had to call all of us to see if we knew what happened, and then Emily found your prescriptions torn in half in the bin!" Hannah shouts. "Why, Josh?"

"Chris is gone," Josh says, so simply, as if it were the weather. "And I don't want to forget."

"Josh." Sam says softly. "Josh, Chris isn't gone. Not yet, anyway."   


"He's in a coma. Don't lose hope," Emily says simply, from where she is sitting on the kitchen counter.

There is silence for a few seconds before Josh loses it completely.

"The doctors said he wouldn't wake up, and you know that! You do. He's on life support, his parents are going to turn it off after a year, they said, and its been over 6 months!  Don't tell me to 'not lose hope'! He's fucking gone and you know it." 

Beth has to grab him when he dissolves into sobs, collapsing to the floor. She looks up at them, tears in her eyes as she hugs her brother.  Everyone is in shock, but Matt quickly snaps himself out of it and turns to Hannah.

"Call his doctors, get some new prescriptions. Beth, Sam, you stay with him.  Em, come with me, we'll go and pick some stuff up from the supermarket. Mike, Jess, Ashley..." He lowers his voice. "Go to the hospital. See how Chris is. It may help him."

Everyone nods, glad they have something to do to stop the ache in their hearts at the sight of Josh. 

"He's gone," they hear him sob  as they leave the house. "He's gone."

 

_** Spring ** _

It's been nearly a year since Chris has been gone, and as he watches Ashley water the flowers in her window boxes, Josh feels almost okay again.

He's visited Chris, several times actually, each time making him feel better and better. The doctors say that he's not getting better, but he's not getting worse either. There's still hope.

What Josh doesn’t tell his friends is that that little nagging hopelessness that used to take over his mind is still there, right in the corner, threatening to come back again. He just needs to keep it at bay.

 

_ Josh is sitting in Ashley's apartment with her, Matt and Emily when he gets the phone call. He'd been visiting just for a chat, and they'd had brunch together as they talked.  _

_ "Good afternoon, is this Joshua Washington?" _

_ "Yes, it is. Who is this?"  _

_ "Mr Washington, you are listed as Chris Washington's emergency contact. We hate to tell you this, but your husband was in a fatal car crash this morning on his way to work. He is alive, but it is likely he will not wake up for a while. We're going to need you to come down to the hospital as soon as possible." _

_ Josh drops the phone, hears the faint "Mr Washington?", but doesn't pick it back up. _

_ Ashley looks at him, confused. "Josh? Everything okay?" _

_ "I need to go to the hospital," he says, getting up and making to leave. Matt,  worried now, picks up the phone, looking worriedly at Emily and Ashley.  
_

_ "Hello, this is Josh's friend Matt _ _speaking... oh my god. Okay, we'll be there in half an hour." _

_ The three of them struggle not to let tears fall as they follow Josh out the door. _

"How are you holding up?" Ashley asks Josh, who is sitting on her couch, a cup of tea in his hands. 

"Okay, I think. Beth's been making sure I take my medication, which I'm grateful for, and Mike's been taking me to more football matches again." Josh smiles. "It's good to have you guys."

Ashley smiles. "I'm glad." 

"Yeah. I'm glad we're all getting together tomorrow night. I just want us to have a good time, you know? Like we always do."

"I know, Josh, and we will."

Josh feels his phone vibrating, signalling a phone call. "One sec," he says to Ashley. "Sorry."

"No problem. I'll go make more tea."

"Hello?" Josh says, confused at the unknown number.

"Joshua! It's Elizabeth here."

"Oh hey, Elizabeth. How are you?"

Ashley comes back in. 

"Who is it?" she mouths at him. 

"Chris' mom."  he replies. "Sorry, Elizabeth, say that again, Ashley was talking to me."

"I'm not sure how else to say this," the woman says softly . "But Chris is awake."

Josh's heart almost stops.

"This is a joke," his voice shakes. "A prank." 

"It's not," she says, and Josh feels her voice shake too. "He's awake, and he's asking for you."

Ashley, confused, looks at him. "What is she- wait. No."

Josh feels the tears start to fall, and he smiles at Ashley. Her eyes widen, and she starts to cry too. "Oh my god, Josh! Josh! We have to go. Right now."

He shakes himself, nods, and gets up. "We'll be there soon, Elizabeth. Tell him to not fucking go anywhere, or do anything stupid in the next 30 minutes."

He hears Chris' mom laugh happily from the phone before she hangs up.   


They arrive at the hospital in record speed, and Josh calls all the rest of the group whilst they're driving. They all meet at the entrance, all in various stages of shock, most of them in tears. There is silence before Mike breaks out in happy laughter, causing all of them to follow.

"I can’t believe it," Jess breaths. 

"Should we go in?" Matt says. 

Josh doesn’t say anything for fear of breaking down. Hands shaking, he nods, and follows the group into the foyer where Elizabeth greets them all, gesturing for them to follow her.

He can barely feel anything, he just knows he's moving, walking to the room Chris is in, after several months of nothing at all.

"Okay," Elizabeth smiles, stopping outside a door. "Here we are."

Mike walks in first, and Josh hears Chris laugh happily. "Mike!"

"Hey, dude. Thanks for finally wakin' up."

Jess is next. "Fucking finally, Chris. We were so goddamn worried."

Beth and Hannah. "We weren't ready to lose you, we really, really weren't."

Matt. "I have missed you so much, honestly. Never thought I 'd say that to the dude who constantly got on my case about my football tastes."

Emily. "Hey, loser. Glad to see you."

Ashley. "Oh my god, Chris. You're really awake. I can't believe it."

Josh hears Ashley dissolve into tears, and smiles as he hears Chris comforting her as best he can from a hospital bed. 

"Where's Josh?" he hears Chris say, slightly panicked but more hopeful than anything.  

With those words, Josh can't help but break down into tears, and he finally pushes the door open. 

Chris lets out a breath as he sees Josh and breaks out into a smile. "Hey, Joshie."

Josh just looks at him, letting tears fall.

"Happy tears, I hope?" Chris says softly, and Josh nods, before taking two massive strides across the room and almost falling onto his husband.

"Don't you ever do that to me again," he sobs. "Never."

"Do what?" Chris teases, rubbing soothing circles into Josh's back. 

"Stop," Josh sniffs, smiling despite himself, and leans up to kiss Chris. Chris smiles into it, and when he pulls away, he wipes Josh's tears from his cheeks. 

"Happy to see me then, bro?"

"Of course."

_ It is this moment, the last day of Spring, when Josh finally feels whole again.  _

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr! 
> 
> http://hanschhen.tumblr.com/


End file.
